Under Silver Birch Tree

In the compound of our cozy lil 2 storey crib, there was this shady mango tree that had many branches but had only produced like ONE fruit in its entire life.

I don't know how this goes..
What goes? I'm just gonna write what I want for this one

Where does this lead me

Every day it seems I'm too slow, relentlessly people around me have been giving me advice. Words cannot explain how thankful I am, I love and treasure them for that. How can I make it up to them? For someone who's soooo new to this part of an illusive impugnment world. Its been 3 months since I jumped into this vast unblending crimson and cerulean pool of wordplay. I've been making countless mistakes..
Improve step by step they said, Mum said, that voice behind me said. I always tell myself each morning.

Mom Dearest

Realising my mum's love. How to appreciate it? I've been coming home so late and exhausted almost every waking day.. Can't stop that addiction of midnight phone 'toggling' or that late night awesome show. Just 'record' it I tell myself. To my dismay when is it alright for me to actually watch it? Weekends are just too overrated.. Its the only time for all of us to rest and enjoy some lazy dazey day. Holidays are spent with 'crazier then life' relatives, visits and frilly weddings, lots and lots of weddings.. I'm not gonna lie, I do wonder when will the time come for me to wear those expensive, fragile, delicate, death defying dresses. All I need now is a groom. Guess he just got lost in the Forest of Never Return.

Have you ever?

Have you ever texted a total stranger and it gets even stranger that you would actually find them interesting and wishes to meet up, maybe for dinner or a casual date. HAH! Life is shockingly about self-control and rationality. Don't believe me? I've been trying to hint him about going out, he gives tiny hopes and possibilities. I tried so freaking hard to grasp them but then he just brushes it off like a lil annoying fly, SPLAT! With a rolled up magazine about cheap gadgets. *sigh* it still is a work in progress. Maybe I will just have to try extra harder. This dude really tests my patience, for your information I'm a pretty patient person... Just don't be one of those people who takes advantage on my generosity, I'll never forget you.. See...  Self-control and rationalism.

Funny Insecurity

Who doesn't have an insecurity... face it we aren't perfect, though this has nothing to do with that.
I love to read online articles or anything mostly about women. Of course cause I'm a woman, I'm sorry new world, I will not conform to the 'trending' gender being all kinds of unicorns and fantastic beasts. and as the community demands respect, I will also demand respect for my views. BTW This is different, ain't even close cause these materials mostly have visuals of sensual or provocative women posing in them, wearing less 'drapery' then the usual human being would most of the time. I'm afraid if people in this office might think I'm into this kind of things, or whether my preferences are more towards men or women. Of course I'd feel even more insecure about all this mumbo, I happen to like to see these photos too *kinda* I'd think of what a crazy pretty girl SHE is or wow, her skin is so nice, what does she use or are those real?, that's pretty or that's not, is she crazy or does she realise the world is looking at her. And the #1 thought that always pops up in my mind, ' I wish I had a body like that so that I can wear nice clothes like jeans or skirts and look good. Its an insecurity, a motivation, a fashion info.. Its a tell all for a girl who is in the dark about these stuffs. Judge if you will, and I will still breath fine tomorrow.

Movies gives us the impression that everyone is understanding, no matter how offensive words become, how hateful people turn out, there's always humor in life and everything works out in the end. the end, happily ever forever or whatever.

How is that ever our life?
I can't even relate to it in the most significant way..
I think Star Wars was closer to home rather than 'How I met you mother'..

Nobody has that perfect combo.. Yes we plan things and it could turn out as great as that routine of seeing your friends and talk and share and experience being dumb..

But then life hits us hard.. theres hospital bills, emergencies, accidents, family problems, getting ill, moving away, getting fired.. broke. I think that is fantasy, why? because I dreamed of one day having that kind of lifestyle, which is hell impossible.. never gonna happen.. just nope.

So back it all up.. I have this gutsy feeling.. that I hate problems.. I hate having to work things out, you might hate me and say that's harsh or cruel or inhumane, but peeps.. psychologically it's not surprising due to the fact that people just dump their problems at me, I'm not saying it's not ok, I do feel wanted, or needed or along that line but, then what.. they go around with their own buddies for happy time?

Do I not deserve happy time with you? Do I not deserve happyness?

Why do always have to match my time and effort to everyone elses?..

I have younger relatives like most of everyone, but does everyone have to manage your time to fit in your younger relative's schedule? Why am I treated like a child when the younger ones are treated fairly better..

Its not far for me to complain about it,
but I just don't have a pillar to lean on anymore,
Every night I feel empty, but depressed and I just look up to dear lord.

I just need to be hugged,
Just a good tight, arms tangled hug.
A smile would be nice too, just smile at me and say
'You're doing great, everything is gonna be Okay'
'You're trying very hard, you're doing a good job'
'You're fine, It's ok'
'You havent cried for so long, are you sure your fine'
.....

Everywhere around us, websites were popping up with Star Wars ads

People were talking non-stop about it

Billboards, posters, EDMS, games, radios and even musical or parody tributes to this epidemic of Epic-ness in 2015. So proud.. right?

Why this much publicity for a continuation of a movie franchise that took over 10 years to finally see the day of premier.

Is it that much more important that people aren't allowed to talk about it after watching the movie?
Is it some sort of unspoken taboo?

It just bogles my mind... as some deny to relate here...

To say the least, I read somewhere in a reliable source (9gag) a human broke out the spoilers and he got bashed up by a bunch of other humans dressed as fictional characters, also known as Star Wars die-hard-fans or fanatics.

In some way, he was being a jerk, yes.. 
but in another, was it necessary to resort to such violence?

Its so unbecoming of the generations of 'NOW' to get violent over something so trivial.

How can you behave in a way that strongly portrays that another human life is less important then knowing what finally happens in the finale of the galactic crisis that doesn't even exist.. I can't even..

Just yesterday, a cousin told me an incident where a mother was beaten by her son, flesh and blood, because she didn't cook that particular day, being unhealthy that day. She didn't want him to be reported because of a mother's love.

Why isn't this being put on billboards and EDMs and radios or even news? 
You might think its such small matter. But really.. priorities have turned 180 degrees. I feel so disgusted by this action of no shame towards a crime bigger then murder. Yes, bigger then murder, having even groan at a mother to me is such a sin. Don't ask why, people all over the world should know why.

But in the end, I'm a Star Wars fan too..
I will watch this 'twisted imagination of a man's dream' movie someday, 
and I know I'm gonna love it.

I will reminisce of the days I had a crush on the log-like actor Hayden Christensen, 
my oh ever so charismatic Harrison Ford,
the day I discovered gorgeous man Liam Neeson,
and my forever young imaginary lover Ewan McGregor.. 

Something about Irish man that just screams my name and I melt... sigh

To end things in good term...

What I'm trying to say is, Real life occurrences deserves to get high publicity as fiction.
Everyday we were having 'third world late Star Wars movie watchers' problems...

Everywhere else there are third world problems getting dog poo...
world hunger, over-population, fatal disease, discrimination, domestic violence, bombing, shootings, assassinations, murders, human trafficking, bully and terrible choices of presidency candidates...

This is just the tip of the never ending dying world of today. Go figure.

Dear men/women with power and money,

Have you no heart?
What are we all doing while bombs are release to our fellow human brothers and sisters?
Are you sleeping soundly at night while they keep one eye open?
Do you eat breakfast, lunch, brunch, hi-tea and dinner while these people probably starve day in & day out?
Do you travel over high clouds in your planes and jets while these people cannot leave home because it's their heritage, it is dying and they have nowhere to go?
Do you splurge on holiday vacations and brand sales while these people can't even buy bread?
No matter how successful you are today, while this inhumane attacks are still happening, you still lose for doing nothing. Your money and power will never make you happy or content.
You will always be despised by many, your life may never be fulfilling

To the men/women with power and money

at 25

a person without work
a person who is unsure
a person without income
a person who has nowhere to be
a bum

depending on family
depending on friends
depending on luck
a non-independent one
a loser

no future
hates past
no idea
hates unnecessary commitments
no interests in 'Common Interests'
hates manipulative company
a hopeless introvert when it comes to big crowds

indecisive
depress
procrastinator

I will see to it that tomorrow brings better light
May my window be open inviting tomorrow's positivity to join my sorrow party

1. Who is yourself at home?

• A pretentious do-gooder

• A quiet bimbo
• A disposable company

• A life I'm in-charge of
• A passport that I control
• Home without drama
• Life partner still unknown
• A truly happy family picture

• I imagined it would be James Dean but he's dead

• Blue jeans
• White shirt
• Rebel without a cause
• Fast cars
• Dead

• I was watching a movie and there he was... in it

• That time when I watch a documentary of how he died

• Nirvana - Come as you are

• Finding a replacement requires me to travel the world.. and time

• Do I have other friends?

From my balcony, not drinking coffee

I was watching this movie
'Begin Again'
cause having the biggest crush on Mark Ruffalo is eternal
I finished and will not elaborate and be a Spoiler.

I find it odd that emotionally I can relate to the situation
People who know me, don't really know me
as in what I like.. my preference in anything..
I have never met anyone who actually genuinely understands me
Parents? yeah they love me unconditionally,
doesn't mean they know me, my beautiful and ugly
I don't share to avoid feelings

I don't like remixes, I don't like meaningless pop songs
I don't like over-reacting, I don't like sultry music
I don't like jumping up and down, I don't like forceful vibes
with words that I will never understand.

*put your hands up in the air, wave/shake'em like you just don't care*
some sort of exercise? a mass movement? twerk?
What!? Temporary happiness is cool... temporarily
after it all ends, all thats left is emptiness

Emotion, Heart and Soul.. now those are real things
there is less of those, why? Cause they're no fun?
Well whatever but it's real, but everyone has different ways of letting it out

*sipping imaginary Hot Chocolate that I wish I had in my hand*

Recently I applied to do my internship overseas..

Words you never voice out will never be heard..

We just hurt in the dark, we'll just dwell in our own dark feelings..
I do understand what it means to not belong
I apparently feel it 23/7 a day, I give myself a break on the 24th hour
I give reasons and calm myself on the 24th hour just to stop me from doing stupid shit
I give reasons to myself and hope tomorrow will be different, tomorrow might be better
Tomorrow has the secret of the unending hope we all dream of
the wish of Tomorrow is what's keeping me going and alive..
I need to be alive for tomorrow.. only until my time is up

How do I spend my weekend..
So how do I spend it? What did I do? Was it interesting?
It was suppose to be some family 'quality time' together
BUT
It was spent on another wedding of someone I dont know

It was the wedding of the  grandchildren of someone who has passed away..
Its very interesting because that someone who I don't know or might never get to appreciate better
was someone who took care of my grandfather when he got shot.
In his police days.. I don't know what the exact scenario was, but what I imagined it would have been...
Forrest Gump? Saving Pvt Ryan? Rambo?

What matters is this man was there loyally helping my grandfather.. So..
I dont think it matters that I know him or I like him or not,
I have to go to this event in honour of him,
Because if he wasn't there, my generation.. My Mum's generation might be different, and I might not be here so there..

PS: Food was great :)

I guess growing up is a continuous process, I haven't been that lucky cause in whatever I do, I'm just... Average, I was really good at something like.. drawing...
What happened? why did I stopped? I can't do it as well as I did.. To tell the truth I've become soo Lazy.. that I'm not sure where I stand right now
Will I survive, looks like I am my own enemy and Friend.. Cause if I don't do it, I'm sure as Hell Nobody will do anything..
Just keep holding on, Just a little more *under my breath*

an update to our normal routine of pestering the lecturers and making them go crazy... while chillin snappin pics with my new laptop... MacBook Pro (show off)

 

Yesss.... I love 'Oppa Gangnam Style' like *I donno how long thats gonna last

*Horses*pretty girls *funny guys *silly dance *epic epic epic!

Then I took time and think about..

.....this is dumb....

I dont really know what should I write about.... the fact that Im mostly busy with assignments dont help either, So I continued with my Degree... I have had the best ride since.. well my best ride was the roller-coasters at Universal Studios Singapore (will visit again).. what I meant by the best ride was that I got Great new friends... I continue later cause kinda gotta get back to work..